another day in denmark. i'm really not in a hurry to change my schedule. prior to april of this year i had been daydreaming about free time for four years. no kidding. it was like anytime i met a new person or thought about someone i knew who did not have young kids i would imagine all of the flexibility they must have with their time.
i bet she just sits and drinks her coffee and looks out the window for hours.
they can talk to one another at dinner time.
he probably reads... before 11 o'clock at night.
and now i have hours during the day when the boys are at school, all to myself, and i love it. maybe i'll tire of it at some point, but probably before i do, i will fill up my days with obligations, a little bit at a time, until i start wondering where all of that glorious free time went. i took one step toward that today by visiting the guidance office at roskilde university. i didn't get many answers to the questions i had specific to the master's programs i'm interested in... i have to make another appointment with other counselors for that. and she couldn't tell me anything more about these mysterious tuition waivers that i would need to follow through with this plan, but i learned the basics, and i'm left trying to answer the question-- 'do i really want to go back to the land of papers and exams and textbooks?' the ambitious side of me says, definitely. the practical side of me... the one who has to live with the decisions the ambitious side of me makes, says no, savor this free time for as long as you possibly can.
i pretty sure i'm a type B personality trapped inside a type A personality. or the type B conjoined twin of some invisible ambitious type A who drags me around against my will, committing us to one lofty goal or another without my consent, and then, when the work comes around, reminds me that we're both in this together, when all i really wanted to do was drink my coffee and stare out the window. i'm not sure how this happened. maybe because i'm a gemini.
anyway, i'll figure it out somehow and try to listen to the laid back side. but i'll probably still make appointments with those other guidance counselors just in case i can convince that side of me to go along for one more round... or just in case i can be convinced... whichever.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
happy hour coaches
this morning i contemplated distraction. but aside from a little laundry, some quick picking up, and a run of the vacuum (because a child's shoes can reveal an incredible amount of sand when you go to put them on his feet), i stayed on task-- that is, i studied my danish. we were scheduled to have our first test today. not a real test, just an assessment so the teachers know what they need to focus on for the real test, which does not occur until the fall. i thought about not studying. it would be really nice to have dinner made ahead of time, and if they really want to know what i know and what i don't, it probably doesn't help them to have me cram a couple of hours beforehand. but, my procrastinating nature and too many years of schooling have ingrained in me that if you have an hour of free time before the test, you study.
and also maybe watch a bee wander through the grass...
in class we went over the homework and did some dialogues. (we're to the ordering-coffee-in-a-café-chapter.) but as the time wound down and the teacher began to say goodbye, i wondered if maybe she'd forgotten about the test.
"what about the test?" i asked.
"shh!"
"no!"
oops. i forget that for some, test is a four-letter word.
"oh, we decided to put it off until we resume classes in august." the reasoning-- we are going on a six and a half week break, beginning after next wednesday's class. a test at the end of that will force us to keep up on our studies-- or cram-- depending on our dispositions. this six and a half week break comes as a surprise. i knew we had some sort of break. maybe even all of july, but june 20 - august 6... i will lose what small bit of danish i've gained, for i fear i am not self-disciplined enough to practice and study if no one's checking up. i can only hope the guys will be fluent in a week or two and they can teach us. henry did just say his first danish phrase today-- "hej hej" (pronounced "hi hi" and means "bye bye"). he said it to his teacher as we were leaving school today. it was quite exciting.
because of my diligent studying, we had eggs with broccoli and peppers for dinner. later we tried to watch the danish 'fodboldt' (soccer) game, but couldn't because we apparently don't get the station that carried it. we are (i.e. greg is) making up for it now by watching the german-netherlands game. what amazes me most are the coaches, who look nothing like any coaches i've seen in other sports. first, they are incredibly fit, but most interesting of all is their dress-- business casual... in a rich, big city, j. crew kind of way... white shirts that appear to be missing the top two buttons, sleeves rolled up like a presidential candidate only much sharper. gray dress pants, tailored for a metrosexual fit. it's like they're going out to happy hour in the city instead of coaching national soccer teams.
well, three minutes left in this game. time to pay attention.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
pre-revolutionary roofs
we are eyeing a house down the street from us. it's for sale and we're not buying. but it's been for sale for hundreds of days now, so we hypothesize that they might be open to renting it out instead. it's hard to say if anyone's living in it. it doesn't look like it from the outside, but then, you can't see much from the outside because the hedges are so overgrown. it's certainly not being cared for in the danish way, which mandates that if it's a tree, you will prune it mercilessly each spring and if it's a hedge you will, for the most part, demand conformity from each leaf.
but the current state of this yard takes the pressure off us. when we lived in an apartment, we got antsy for some land we could put a plant or two into and so we got a community garden plot, which we babied for a year. then we got a real baby and stopped doting on the garden plot. then we moved into a house and our free time for planting, weeding, and tending was divided between two pieces of land. though we were here and there ambitious enough to get things done some of the time, i feel for the people who inherited both our lawn and our garden plot after we moved. (and i think they may both read this blog, so i might as well say sorry now for the quack grass and creeping charlie in the garden and the lack of a grand vision for the back, front, and side yards of the house (but the three varieties of clematis climbing the porch are nice).) despite our questionable talents, if we could do anything with this yard down the street it would be an improvement.
however there's also a house that's for rent that was built in 1750 (!) and has a thatched roof (!), and could come possibly furnished, or at least partially so. it's a bit over our budget and it's north of greg's job-- a fine location for him-- same distance to work but from the other direction, but not so good for getting the guys to school and back everyday. it would be a long bike ride, A, (at least compared to what we've got now) and B, there's vestre kirkevej to contend with. i simply do not think i could pull the burley up that hill without at least a year's worth of intense training. i guess i should try it sometime and find out. but as it is, there are days i can hardly propel myself and my danish books up, so i'm not hopeful. maybe if a bear were chasing us. anyway, there's always the bus.
and then of course there is our neighbors' flat, though maybe i haven't told you about that yet. they're trying to sell it and we are hoping they will give up and agree to rent it to us for a good price. unlikely they will give up by the time we need to move out (august 12), but they know our timeline and our interest. they don't know our budget though and i have an unfounded hunch they'd want more than we are willing to pay.
that's all we've got right now. nothing even close to becoming a reality. speaking of close to reality, this post is about as close to house hunters international as i think we're going to get. it's just not as real as they make it look and i don't think we're good enough actors to make it look real. also it's four days off work for filming, which could be better spent on a holiday of some kind, and we'd have to send in a casting video. we're not really organized enough to put that together. the money would have been nice, but it would have been taxed. i guess we could change our minds, but i think we are just not destined to become reality tv stars.
i'll leave you with a pair of puppy pajamas, some tangled, wet hair, and henry kind of looking like a middle-aged man.
goodnight!
but the current state of this yard takes the pressure off us. when we lived in an apartment, we got antsy for some land we could put a plant or two into and so we got a community garden plot, which we babied for a year. then we got a real baby and stopped doting on the garden plot. then we moved into a house and our free time for planting, weeding, and tending was divided between two pieces of land. though we were here and there ambitious enough to get things done some of the time, i feel for the people who inherited both our lawn and our garden plot after we moved. (and i think they may both read this blog, so i might as well say sorry now for the quack grass and creeping charlie in the garden and the lack of a grand vision for the back, front, and side yards of the house (but the three varieties of clematis climbing the porch are nice).) despite our questionable talents, if we could do anything with this yard down the street it would be an improvement.
however there's also a house that's for rent that was built in 1750 (!) and has a thatched roof (!), and could come possibly furnished, or at least partially so. it's a bit over our budget and it's north of greg's job-- a fine location for him-- same distance to work but from the other direction, but not so good for getting the guys to school and back everyday. it would be a long bike ride, A, (at least compared to what we've got now) and B, there's vestre kirkevej to contend with. i simply do not think i could pull the burley up that hill without at least a year's worth of intense training. i guess i should try it sometime and find out. but as it is, there are days i can hardly propel myself and my danish books up, so i'm not hopeful. maybe if a bear were chasing us. anyway, there's always the bus.
and then of course there is our neighbors' flat, though maybe i haven't told you about that yet. they're trying to sell it and we are hoping they will give up and agree to rent it to us for a good price. unlikely they will give up by the time we need to move out (august 12), but they know our timeline and our interest. they don't know our budget though and i have an unfounded hunch they'd want more than we are willing to pay.
that's all we've got right now. nothing even close to becoming a reality. speaking of close to reality, this post is about as close to house hunters international as i think we're going to get. it's just not as real as they make it look and i don't think we're good enough actors to make it look real. also it's four days off work for filming, which could be better spent on a holiday of some kind, and we'd have to send in a casting video. we're not really organized enough to put that together. the money would have been nice, but it would have been taxed. i guess we could change our minds, but i think we are just not destined to become reality tv stars.
i'll leave you with a pair of puppy pajamas, some tangled, wet hair, and henry kind of looking like a middle-aged man.
goodnight!
Monday, June 11, 2012
jordbær season
it's strawberry season here in denmark. and in our very unlocal box of produce we are still getting apples and pears. apples and pears and bananas, when the very fleeting, very anticipated strawberry season is here. i think this is reason to switch csa's soon. even if it means cabbage all winter... and spring... and summer... and fall?
speaking of one of those seasons... it was a mittens and ear muffs day until it was not. and then it was a day to sit out on the lawn, in the sun, before class...
and later, to eat dinner outside, and even later, to shiver with cold because the doors were left open after the sun got low, and then to make tea to warm up.
not muggy. not balmy. but heartening. the feeling that we might just have a few more days of summer before it's all said and done.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
folding lawn chairs
today was this kind of day...
yesterday, we went to the county fair. and it was incredibly or not so incredibly similar to a county fair in the midwest.
lots of cows needing to be milked. tractors. horses. booths upon booths of horse riding equipment and accoutrements. fried food. but maybe that's where it differed a bit. though there were booths selling french fries and pizza and churros (churros? is that a thing?), the theme was øko (organic), local food. so there were also people passing out cucumbers with little danish flags, while we waited in line with the rest of the fair-goers for two bento boxes of øko beef with spring greens and potato salad, one of which henry put his foot into as we set it down to eat... greg ate that one. he hasn't shown any signs of parasitic invasion yet.
the man (an american... or maybe a canadian) holding the guinness record for 'fastest omelet maker' (making something like 400 omelets in 30 minutes) was there, showing danes how to make one omelet in one minute.
the boys pet the noses of cows. william sawed (or rather his parents did) through a cattle horn (no longer attached to the cow), made a bracelet, and tried making his own yarn. henry played with the water in the bucket under some rubber udders. campers camped in their tents and campers outside the fair grounds and sat around in circles in folding lawn chairs, while their kids played in the dirt.
it could have been southern indiana, except everyone was speaking danish... and eating cucumbers... walking their little ones around in prams. and i left the camera at home, so i have no photographic proof of any of this. you just have to take my word.
...
again, today. not
not a forest so much as a prairie, but apparently it is one day meant to be a forest in the way that we imagine forests to be... with trees and critters.
the only critters lurking about today were this little green and red water bug...
but the open space lifted the spirits on a windy, cloudy day in a way that a conventional forest could not have.
and the lack of wildlife was okay, because there was this little swimmer, fully embracing what her surroundings had to offer, without a second thought of the cold temperatures of the air and water...
afterwards we went to the ultra-eco-friendly co-housing village where we can recycle our cans and plastic... because you might remember that recycling these things is something that simply does not happen in roskilde (and maybe most of denmark, i don't know). and i find that to be sort of crazy.
 |
| william crushing cans |
this co-housing neighborhood is comprised of 100 homes. there is a small store where you could conceivably purchase all of your (øko) groceries for the week, a little cafe, and live music every sunday afternoon... just to name a few of the cool things that give this neighborhood a 20 year waiting list and houses that sell within an hour of going on the market.
playing with their tricycles...
and wishing we'd had about 20 years of foresight. but we were only 11. how could we have known?
Saturday, June 9, 2012
forever and a day
yesterday morning when i was putting william and henry into the burley for school, i mentioned to william that it seemed like it was going to be a very nice day. he said, 'yes. it doesn't even look like it's going to rain at all today.' he'd been lamenting lately that the teachers keep making the kids put on their rain gear at recess.
on my ride back home, after dropping them off, i noted that already the day was looking a shade less lovely than it had during our brief conversation just 30 minutes prior. and then it got quite a lot darker, and rained, and rained, and rained. all day long. maybe only the second day in my memory that it's rained here so steadily for so long. no starts and stops, as is the usual pattern.
yesterday was also the day i was scheduled to meet with the lawyer. five o'clock in copenhagen. a bus, a train, a bus, and a walk meant i would need to leave around 3:45 and would miss dinner. i made a very unpopular braised red cabbage dish for greg to heat up, because making dinner alone with these guys is a challenge you should only undertake if you have to, and because we had to use a red cabbage and because the famous chef who published the recipe promised you would want to eat it right out of the pan before even getting it onto your plate. well, mr. oliver. not in this household apparently.
my train to copenhagen was late. our neighbor sarah told us awhile back that the trains often run late or get canceled, but we couldn't see it. every train we'd ever taken had been where we wanted it to be and on time. still, i was able to catch a bus that had me at the stop before five, so the delay wasn't unduly distressing. and i'd built in about 10 minutes to walk up down the block if necessary. and i did walk up and down the block. i walked up a really long block, asking six people along the way, if they'd heard of the street i was looking for. no, no, no, no, no, and no. finally, a shopkeeper pointed me back the way i'd come. i'd turned the wrong direction from the bus stop. i left a message on the lawyers voicemail that i was on my way, but turned around. my feet were in uncomfortable shoes. still, i jogged some of the way. we'd learned in class and from experience that danes are very prompt. 15 minutes late was not looking good. but finally i made it.
i knocked, looked in the window, tried the locked door. it was clear-- no one was there. he's forgotten. hopefully he's forgotten, so that his faux pas will seem worse than mine. but as i was about to call him again, i saw a small handwritten sign with a map, directing people to another office, around the corner and a block over. so i went. there was the other office. i knocked, tried the door. it was open. there were kids, and the sound of a lawyer talking to a client. okay, he's been in with a client. no problem. well, it turned out he was on the phone with a client and the kids were his son and his son's friend. but he didn't seem to mind that i was late, and well, now i know which direction to turn from the bus, and that even if i think i know where i'm going, i probably don't, so i should probably allow 20 minutes to walk up and down the block next time.
my whole idea is that i would do some volunteer work for him. assist with english-speaking clients if he wanted. help create text for an english website. we'd discuss the details, plan for a time that i'd come back, and that would be that. it was after five and i figured he'd want to go home soon. i'd planned my trip around a 45 minute meeting. it wouldn't go longer than that, i told myself. lawyers will cut to the chase. but, it went until seven. oh, that's right... lawyers talk. well, i didn't mind. he has an interesting story and clients with interesting stories. though he's danish, as a child he was educated in an american school in nigeria, and still carries with him, what seems to me to be an american spirit of pushing against the system, advocating for the underdog, helping those who his country would rather reject. a good fit for me, and i'm excited to be a small part of it.
by the time i left his office, i was hungry. i stopped at a little grocery and bought an apple, a bunch of bananas and a samosa. i easily caught a bus to the train station at nørreport. i would just find a train with a roskilde stop. no problem. i sent an email to greg that i'd hoped to make it for bedtime. but there were no trains going to roskilde when i got there. i waited to see what was coming next and heard some message repeating about no stops at copenhagen's main station on the way to the airport due to police work, so if you want to get to the main station, take the s-train (copenhagen's metro/subway).
i determined i was not going to catch a train to roskilde from nørreport anytime soon, so i decided to take an s-train to the main station. but i got on going the wrong direction. i'm not familiar with the s-trains, but honestly, my sense of direction is so bad that it probably wouldn't have mattered if i'd taken it every day.
i got off at østerport, the next stop, and found that here, as in nørreport i wasn't going to catch a train to roskilde. okay, i thought, i'll get to the main station. i decided to take a train going to the airport, i guess figuring that even if it didn't stop at the main station (because of the 'police work') i'd surely be able to get a train going there from the airport. i got on the first train i could find going to the airport.
i didn't think too much about the fact that the train had a different look to it than what i was used to. or about the fact that it was going to a location that used the letter ö, which is not a letter in the danish alphabet. but i did notice the automated announcer voice was not speaking danish. and that's when i realized i was on a swedish train.
okay. well. i should probably get off before the bridge.
so, i get off at the first stop-- nørreport. i email greg-- "back at norreport. this is crazy."
i check again to see if i can catch a train to roskilde. ah! there's one going to østerport! now that's a name i recognize. i'll take that one, because surely it is going to roskilde.
now... well... now you see that my sense of direction is so lacking that common sense doesn't even have anything to attach to. fortunately, before the train to østerport came to whisk me back in the direction i'd come from, i realized that i'd already been to østerport that day. in fact, i'd just come from there. and it was in the opposite direction from where i wanted to be.
so, back to the s-trains. i took one going in the opposite direction this time and finally made it to copenhagen's main station. but even there, there was nothing on the board that would take me to roskilde. and, in fact, a train going specifically to roskilde had been canceled. i'd never considered that my 5 o'clock meeting might have me sleeping at the copenhagen station, but at that point i did consider the possibility. i found a master schedule though and saw that there was indeed a train going through roskilde, leaving at 9:01p.m. i had about 10 minutes, and went down to wait.
it was delayed. 9:25. read my book. watch the people.
35 minutes later i was finally on a train home. i arrived at roskilde's station and waited until 10:11 for a bus. normally i would have ridden my bike to the train station, but because of the rain and wearing a nice outfit and all, i did not. needless to say, i missed bedtime.
it was a 7 hour round-trip, and if not for the uncomfortable shoes, i would hardly notice the time spent.
but i am hoping subsequent journeys are a little more efficient.
on my ride back home, after dropping them off, i noted that already the day was looking a shade less lovely than it had during our brief conversation just 30 minutes prior. and then it got quite a lot darker, and rained, and rained, and rained. all day long. maybe only the second day in my memory that it's rained here so steadily for so long. no starts and stops, as is the usual pattern.
yesterday was also the day i was scheduled to meet with the lawyer. five o'clock in copenhagen. a bus, a train, a bus, and a walk meant i would need to leave around 3:45 and would miss dinner. i made a very unpopular braised red cabbage dish for greg to heat up, because making dinner alone with these guys is a challenge you should only undertake if you have to, and because we had to use a red cabbage and because the famous chef who published the recipe promised you would want to eat it right out of the pan before even getting it onto your plate. well, mr. oliver. not in this household apparently.
my train to copenhagen was late. our neighbor sarah told us awhile back that the trains often run late or get canceled, but we couldn't see it. every train we'd ever taken had been where we wanted it to be and on time. still, i was able to catch a bus that had me at the stop before five, so the delay wasn't unduly distressing. and i'd built in about 10 minutes to walk up down the block if necessary. and i did walk up and down the block. i walked up a really long block, asking six people along the way, if they'd heard of the street i was looking for. no, no, no, no, no, and no. finally, a shopkeeper pointed me back the way i'd come. i'd turned the wrong direction from the bus stop. i left a message on the lawyers voicemail that i was on my way, but turned around. my feet were in uncomfortable shoes. still, i jogged some of the way. we'd learned in class and from experience that danes are very prompt. 15 minutes late was not looking good. but finally i made it.
i knocked, looked in the window, tried the locked door. it was clear-- no one was there. he's forgotten. hopefully he's forgotten, so that his faux pas will seem worse than mine. but as i was about to call him again, i saw a small handwritten sign with a map, directing people to another office, around the corner and a block over. so i went. there was the other office. i knocked, tried the door. it was open. there were kids, and the sound of a lawyer talking to a client. okay, he's been in with a client. no problem. well, it turned out he was on the phone with a client and the kids were his son and his son's friend. but he didn't seem to mind that i was late, and well, now i know which direction to turn from the bus, and that even if i think i know where i'm going, i probably don't, so i should probably allow 20 minutes to walk up and down the block next time.
my whole idea is that i would do some volunteer work for him. assist with english-speaking clients if he wanted. help create text for an english website. we'd discuss the details, plan for a time that i'd come back, and that would be that. it was after five and i figured he'd want to go home soon. i'd planned my trip around a 45 minute meeting. it wouldn't go longer than that, i told myself. lawyers will cut to the chase. but, it went until seven. oh, that's right... lawyers talk. well, i didn't mind. he has an interesting story and clients with interesting stories. though he's danish, as a child he was educated in an american school in nigeria, and still carries with him, what seems to me to be an american spirit of pushing against the system, advocating for the underdog, helping those who his country would rather reject. a good fit for me, and i'm excited to be a small part of it.
by the time i left his office, i was hungry. i stopped at a little grocery and bought an apple, a bunch of bananas and a samosa. i easily caught a bus to the train station at nørreport. i would just find a train with a roskilde stop. no problem. i sent an email to greg that i'd hoped to make it for bedtime. but there were no trains going to roskilde when i got there. i waited to see what was coming next and heard some message repeating about no stops at copenhagen's main station on the way to the airport due to police work, so if you want to get to the main station, take the s-train (copenhagen's metro/subway).
i determined i was not going to catch a train to roskilde from nørreport anytime soon, so i decided to take an s-train to the main station. but i got on going the wrong direction. i'm not familiar with the s-trains, but honestly, my sense of direction is so bad that it probably wouldn't have mattered if i'd taken it every day.
i got off at østerport, the next stop, and found that here, as in nørreport i wasn't going to catch a train to roskilde. okay, i thought, i'll get to the main station. i decided to take a train going to the airport, i guess figuring that even if it didn't stop at the main station (because of the 'police work') i'd surely be able to get a train going there from the airport. i got on the first train i could find going to the airport.
i didn't think too much about the fact that the train had a different look to it than what i was used to. or about the fact that it was going to a location that used the letter ö, which is not a letter in the danish alphabet. but i did notice the automated announcer voice was not speaking danish. and that's when i realized i was on a swedish train.
okay. well. i should probably get off before the bridge.
so, i get off at the first stop-- nørreport. i email greg-- "back at norreport. this is crazy."
i check again to see if i can catch a train to roskilde. ah! there's one going to østerport! now that's a name i recognize. i'll take that one, because surely it is going to roskilde.
now... well... now you see that my sense of direction is so lacking that common sense doesn't even have anything to attach to. fortunately, before the train to østerport came to whisk me back in the direction i'd come from, i realized that i'd already been to østerport that day. in fact, i'd just come from there. and it was in the opposite direction from where i wanted to be.
so, back to the s-trains. i took one going in the opposite direction this time and finally made it to copenhagen's main station. but even there, there was nothing on the board that would take me to roskilde. and, in fact, a train going specifically to roskilde had been canceled. i'd never considered that my 5 o'clock meeting might have me sleeping at the copenhagen station, but at that point i did consider the possibility. i found a master schedule though and saw that there was indeed a train going through roskilde, leaving at 9:01p.m. i had about 10 minutes, and went down to wait.
it was delayed. 9:25. read my book. watch the people.
 |
| not my train |
 |
| waiting |
35 minutes later i was finally on a train home. i arrived at roskilde's station and waited until 10:11 for a bus. normally i would have ridden my bike to the train station, but because of the rain and wearing a nice outfit and all, i did not. needless to say, i missed bedtime.
it was a 7 hour round-trip, and if not for the uncomfortable shoes, i would hardly notice the time spent.
but i am hoping subsequent journeys are a little more efficient.
Friday, June 8, 2012
william the willful
what do you tell someone who will watch your children for two days? we're going to a 'welcome to denmark' meeting in a week and a half. the boys will come with, but they will be watched by two, very capable sounding nannies provided for by this conference. the coordinator suggested we email them ahead of time to tell them a little about our children so they know what to expect, what they like and don't like, etc.
"William is very willful... has had some issues at school because of this."
"Henry is a bit of a wild man... can get himself into some dangerous situations."
you want to sell the good points, but it's hard not to prepare them for what you see as your children's more challenging moments... or, your more challenging moments, provided to you, by your children.
william really is willful. he's four, yes, but really, truly, he's willful. i think anybody who knows him well will say this about him. if you try to push, you will get the opposite effect. and all we have ever done is cultivate this in him. at first, unknowingly, because it was easier asking him to choose to avoid a meltdown because we gave him the wrong cereal bowl. now, it's a conscious cultivation. you are the only person who can decide what you do. you make your choices, i make my choices, they make their choices. we all decide for ourselves. you want to cut your potatoes at school with a fork and not a knife? that is your choice. (but you might learn the reasons your teachers want you to use a knife and tell them why you want to use a fork, and reach an agreement. he's becoming a masterful negotiator-- "mama, you don't want me to have a jellybean and i want one. how can we fix that?" "okay... here's a deal...")
i want him to resist peer pressure and intimidation: i'm the only one who decides what i do. not that friend. not that person in a position of power.
i want him to have a strong sense of self-responsibility: i'm the only reason i flunked that test. not because i had a "bad" teacher. (thank you to my dad and my junior year 'bad' math teacher for that powerful lesson.)
i want him to know his actions affect other people, and to act respectfully and with kindness. i don't want him to be obstinate, just to be obstinate. (thank you to my mom and the guy who screwed up the tux order for that powerful lesson.) i want him to understand the reasons behind his actions. i don't know if he can master this without knowing he's calling the shots and can change his ways if he's acting in a way that has a negative effect on the world.
and i so don't want him to have a negative effect on this world.
anyway, i guess we're encouraging the 'my choice, your choice' because we have no other choice. he is his own person. he'll find his own path with the confidence that he can. if we can make him do what we want him to do, it's only because he's little and we're big and that's not a good enough reason for me. and it's not a lasting reason. we're raising a kid who will mostly be an adult. but there will be people who will try to make him feel small, even when he's big, and i don't want him to feel that way and i don't want him to think he can make others feel that way. so there's no "because i'm the mom." there's no breaking his spirit early so he knows "who's boss." how can i help him to make good choices if he doesn't know they're his choices to make? if he's too little to learn now, then when? when does he develop this sense of self? and when do i realize that it's time to let go? that i was never really holding onto the reins to begin with? i say the sooner, the better.
so, meet william... he's willful. it's one of his good qualities.
"William is very willful... has had some issues at school because of this."
"Henry is a bit of a wild man... can get himself into some dangerous situations."
you want to sell the good points, but it's hard not to prepare them for what you see as your children's more challenging moments... or, your more challenging moments, provided to you, by your children.
william really is willful. he's four, yes, but really, truly, he's willful. i think anybody who knows him well will say this about him. if you try to push, you will get the opposite effect. and all we have ever done is cultivate this in him. at first, unknowingly, because it was easier asking him to choose to avoid a meltdown because we gave him the wrong cereal bowl. now, it's a conscious cultivation. you are the only person who can decide what you do. you make your choices, i make my choices, they make their choices. we all decide for ourselves. you want to cut your potatoes at school with a fork and not a knife? that is your choice. (but you might learn the reasons your teachers want you to use a knife and tell them why you want to use a fork, and reach an agreement. he's becoming a masterful negotiator-- "mama, you don't want me to have a jellybean and i want one. how can we fix that?" "okay... here's a deal...")
i want him to resist peer pressure and intimidation: i'm the only one who decides what i do. not that friend. not that person in a position of power.
i want him to have a strong sense of self-responsibility: i'm the only reason i flunked that test. not because i had a "bad" teacher. (thank you to my dad and my junior year 'bad' math teacher for that powerful lesson.)
i want him to know his actions affect other people, and to act respectfully and with kindness. i don't want him to be obstinate, just to be obstinate. (thank you to my mom and the guy who screwed up the tux order for that powerful lesson.) i want him to understand the reasons behind his actions. i don't know if he can master this without knowing he's calling the shots and can change his ways if he's acting in a way that has a negative effect on the world.
and i so don't want him to have a negative effect on this world.
anyway, i guess we're encouraging the 'my choice, your choice' because we have no other choice. he is his own person. he'll find his own path with the confidence that he can. if we can make him do what we want him to do, it's only because he's little and we're big and that's not a good enough reason for me. and it's not a lasting reason. we're raising a kid who will mostly be an adult. but there will be people who will try to make him feel small, even when he's big, and i don't want him to feel that way and i don't want him to think he can make others feel that way. so there's no "because i'm the mom." there's no breaking his spirit early so he knows "who's boss." how can i help him to make good choices if he doesn't know they're his choices to make? if he's too little to learn now, then when? when does he develop this sense of self? and when do i realize that it's time to let go? that i was never really holding onto the reins to begin with? i say the sooner, the better.
so, meet william... he's willful. it's one of his good qualities.
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