Tuesday, May 5, 2015

small lanes, elation, forgiveness

first i took a picture of the newly designed milk carton because i think it's sleek and i think more milk cartons have the potential to look sleek...


then i took a picture of a pruned tree, danish style.  someday i'll know the reason why... 


and i walked through small lanes to get to 'hospital the second' in the town where it's always raining.  today being no exception to this certainty.  


i had my yearly mammogram plus ultrasound.  my second year of yearly.  i passed with flying colors as they say.  i suppose this ("this" being the recurrence of breast cancer in the breast) has always been the least of my worries.  maybe because i think if it happens, i'll know what i'm looking for.  something like metastasis to the bone or the brain or the liver or the lungs all seem a bit less palpable, more mysterious, more stage 4ish, and therefore, much scarier.  regardless, as confident as i felt going in, i was really quite elated upon leaving.  i'm nearing the two-year mark (since diagnosis) with no sign of cancer in my body.  two years of living since it felt like my world was ending.  well, the world as i'd known it (that is, my sense of being able to control it, my assumption that i'd been given an unchallenged spot in it for seven to, oh, say ten decades, etc.) did end in this town two years ago, but that i can walk through it elated surely says something (about renewal, about time, growing, learning, modern medicine, change, hope, adaptation, and getting used to cold, rainy days).  

and as i got to the train station, the rain really did start coming down with more determination... 




but i sat on the train, watching the yellow fields out the window...


 and enjoying my favorite pastry (kærnemælkshorn... buttermilk 'horn'), which i treat myself to every time i walk to that hospital.

generally i try to think about eating well on days i've had major x-rays, anything that might potentially help my damaged cells.  the kærnemælkshorn is an exception to this, but it's there to help keep my spirits up.  i think about the exercise i got today and hope that helped in some way... biking to the train station, walking to the hospital, walking back to the train station, walking to the next hospital (for my quarterly shot), running through the train station tunnel and up to the bus station to catch the bus back to the (other) train station where my bike was parked, biking home, biking to our old neighborhood to tutor, biking to henry's school and hooking up the burley and biking him home... plus all the cabbage and cauliflower i ate at lunch and dinnertime... surely my body can forgive me today's x-rays.

(we're working on a long-term forgiveness plan for all the other treatments and diagnostics.)


2 comments:

nina said...

I laughed, I cried. Great post, terrific news, funny details, happy details.

Sara said...

Regan, yes to renewal and walking elated in a world changed by cancer diagnosis and treatment. The two year mark sounds delicious as does the cream filled pastry.

By the way, that tree was pruned in a European style called pollarding. I've done it to the curly willows in my front years to get them to make the big knobs with all the new growth coming out!

Sara