up, down, up, down (and repeat)

if you ever want to experience the intense highs and lows of a roller coaster without leaving your front door, just go out and get yourself a cancer diagnosis.

it's really quite efficient at, on the one hand, making you completely astounded and humbled at how much love there is out there for you, what people are willing to say and to do to help you... honestly, i'm not quite sure i've generated enough goodwill to get back all that i'm getting back.  and it is the thing getting me by without driving myself completely crazy.  i'm very impressionable, turns out.  tell me things are going to be okay, i'll believe you.  tell me things aren't, and i'll believe that too.  

but of course, it's still cancer.  it's not the early kind either.  telling people in class yesterday, i received a couple hopeful assumptions along the lines of: 'but you caught it early, right?'  well, no.  i didn't.  but i still don't know just how late i am.  we talked to the surgeon who diagnosed me, today, and there is one spot, on one vertebra.  some calcification.  it could be normal.  it could be cancer.  they'd scheduled me for a PET scan on monday to get the answer, but in one of the most humbling gestures so far, it was moved to friday and the readers who read these things will be ready to read it without delay.  not a huge time difference in the grand scheme of things, but in the post-diagnosis, pre-treatment world we now inhabit, the weekends have been an exercise in holding our breath and averting our eyes and i'm not quite sure how many more of those i can sit through.  of course i can, and of course i will, if not this weekend, in weekends to come, but i'm getting impatient here at the start.  i've digested the initial news enough that i'm ready for more.  not ready, really.  i dread it.  but now i need to know.  what is this little vertebra above my shoulders up to?  we're waiting now to see if my newly-appointed oncologist will call me on friday with the results.  otherwise, i don't meet with her until the 28th.  i know, the 28th is tuesday.  patience, if it comes to that.  chemo is then scheduled to start on may 31st.  next friday.

well, that's it.  that's what i know today.  if you can think normal calcification thoughts, think those.  if you have secrets to getting u.s. netflix which has way more in terms of distractions than danish netflix, share those.  otherwise, you've done so much for me already, so just know that i am infinitely thankful to you.