Wednesday, March 4, 2015


i wrote my oncologist today to tell him about the contrast-less ct scan and asking him to refer me for a liver ultrasound.  he called me back to tell me everything looked fine on the ct scan and my blood tests are all normal so there's no need for the liver ultrasound and there's no need for my appointment in two mondays and see you in six months (oh, and no need for any follow-up ct scans at this point).

it's good news and it felt good to hear it.  and it felt scary, because those scans have been my reality check and because good news today is not a lifetime guarantee. and it felt sad, because i remember my friends who did not have the fortune i had today in hearing good news like this.  and i feel a strange guilt in saying all this, because i know what everyone wants most for me is that i will celebrate once and for all and get on with things.  i want that too, but my emotions have rarely been straightforward and simple in this process.

it was an unsteady relief i felt today hearing the news.  i thought about two young friends-- mothers-- who died of cancer, and what came into my mind, was that we celebrate today.  they were mothers who knew they were not going to see their children grow up... receiving the hardest and harshest lesson in gratitude and savoring the right now, in spite of the fact that they'd been given a death sentence in their thirties.  again and again i get a reprieve from having to face what they faced.  maybe it's survivor's guilt that these feelings come up on days when i should be celebrating.  maybe i'm celebrating and feeling nervous and feeling their losses and feeling relief all at the same time because maybe life is just more complicated than a simple "hooray!" but hooray is in there too, it's all in there.  all in a day.  all in a phone call.  all in what was and in tomorrow too.

so, hooray!  we celebrate today.


Kendee said...

Well said, Reggie Baby! Hip hip hooray! Today we celebrate you and all that you are. It makes you special :)

Kendee said...

Well said, Reggie Baby! Hip hip hooray! Today we celebrate you and all that you are. It makes you special :)

nina said...

Happiness is a complicated emotion. But I learned a lot from my good good friend who had a very tragic event happen to her many years ago. She told me how all the people she knew who felt sad for her then had a way of empathizing through sharing any and all sad things that happened to them in life. She said -- "I just wanted to know that there is happiness out there and all I kept hearing about was the horrors. I was a magnet for horror stories."

I am so so sure that your friends who were not so lucky would have been so very happy for you, but also for themselves with your news. No guilt necessary, regan.

But I understand how complicated it is. And as you get comfortable with feeling of sublime joy of knowing you got a period in front, however long, of a clean slate, I'll be the one to leap right into the happy mode for you. Because truly, I am so so happy! And, too, delighted that you had this conversation early. I mean, not waiting is a gift in its own right!

Now, back to poking puddles with sticks and eating ice cream in cold weather!

Sara said...

So glad you got that call! I understand the swirl of emotion. I want to celebrate 5 years of hanging out with Ned (no evidence of disease) but feel conflicted as a good friend just got this diagnosis. Is celebration insensitive or hopeful?

Celebrating your phone call!